My You

I was never happier than when I was with you

I was never safer than when you held me

I was never so uncertain than when you lost me

And now I sit in disbelief

Quietly waiting for the world

To be bright and warm once again

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wish for fear

the ones who don’t fear falling

fear falling in love

fear being alone

the ones who fear losing their way

don’t know the fear of losing someone they love

i wish i feared the small stuff

to not know the world

and all its dark corners

I’ve built my writers den

I live off affairs made of fantasy

I wallow in self pity and drink wine out of the bottle

I quote brilliant writers who found the words

Do I have to be broke and miserable

Depressed and full of vague bitterness

I don’t ask for much

Just the words

Just

Only a writer wishes for heartbreak

in need

i am looking for someone to find meaning in my sorrow

line up and kiss the broken girl

what do you see, what is your interpretation

of her movements, or lackthereof

how do you write lack of feeling

how do you give weight to emptiness

have i lost my persuasion

who should i ask for it back

i’m just a child looking for answers

quietly at the back of her mind

i don’t want to disturb

but if you could help me

ill give you a kiss for your thoughts

 

content

am i nostalgic for known misery

for having a purpose behind my pain

i guess back then it was clear cut

i could see right through to the cause

now everything is a mystery

an equation an excuse

something to dig for

but i’m tired of searching

for the cause of my own pain

i almost want someone to cause me misery

so i have someone to point to

to give the purpose back to my pain

then i would feel safe

then i would be content

just

channel your energy into something productive

they tell me

you’re talented, but you need to be motivated

they say

write everyday, exercise your mind

they give advice

that no one asked them to give

i write for me

it brings out the anxieties i keep hidden

and stains the perfectly clean paper with my dirty thoughts

of love lust loss life and misery

my unclean mind can fill a page

but my unrest eases as i attack my typewriter

viciously trying to put down thoughts

as they come

because they will  go

and scrape out a piece of my heart when they leave

they choke the life out of my eagerness for life

a girl can only be beaten so many times

before she locks herself in her room

and tries not to give in to these thoughts that stick

themselves to under the cold side of my pillow

in between the pages of my favourite books

to my toothbrush or deodorant

they leave their mark on anything ordinary and make it painful and intrusive

just leave me alone and take my thoughts with you

Expectations pose

while the weight of my world bends my shoulders

and creates kinks in my neck

with a smile, and a shift of the eyes

i say i’m fine

and ask about you

i’m not very good at conversations

making time

love

or anything really

creative abilities turn

into creative possibilities of how everyone hates you

 

how they would be better off without you

imagining scenarios

that works with my mindset

on some level i want to be proven right

that i am worthless

that the world is better off without me

but i don’t fullheartedly  believe it

 

i’m at the back of the concert complaining about the view

when i should be elbowing my way to the front

if i am just as important as everyone else

then maybe i will

 

i may feel things more completely

and that is sometimes a burden

on myself

but more importantly on the people around me

i am deafened by loving the people i love so wholey

that i lose sight of the fact that they are people too

they make mistakes

they love and they lie

they try and they fall

 

i am consumed with hatred for myself

so that i do not leave my room

for expected failures

but i have to leave my room

and join the world of the tryers and the failures

and make peace with myself

make sure i know its okay

to make my footprints here known

because that will be all that’s left

 

id rather be remembered for being kind

than not remembered at all