desperate and separate

i’m waiting for my fingers to wrinkle in the bath 

i’m waiting for deadlines to pass and the guilt to come 

for sleep and silence, that I’ll never get knowingly 

i’m waiting for time to heal me and make me forget 

i’m waiting for the words to come and cure me 

for the rain to come and the sun to shine 

for the wine to hit me and for my memory to fade 

i’m waiting for my purpose to steal me and my fate to play me 

i’m waiting for a world where I’m no longer waiting for you 


for you 

take aim and linger

in drafty doorways

while the cold

adds purpose to your patience 

a shy corner smile 

pawn sliding across the board

what a deliberate chance 

to plan spontaneous love

a rose window 

of stained apologies 

and still signals of hope shine through

I am ready once again

kiss in de

sunsets and evening rain

everything is temporary

doomed from the start romance

the most passionate

and the most simple

no pressures of forever

no trials or conquests

just lust and love

kisses in morning dew

nothing else

and nothing new


I’ve figured out that I don’t want romance

I can live without cliched idealistic summers

I want to push the limits and test your faith in me

I want to run our love into the ground

bury it beneath a mountain of sorrow and pity

then desperately cling to you

like a mourning woman 

unsure of how to feel

so feeling everything 

I want to feel everything with you

just to know that you need me 

that you’ll be there no matter what

so I’ll put you through everything

just to prove you wrong 

that you won’t stay 

and I am not a woman to love

I’ll make you sick at the thought of me

if you let me

I’ll stretch out your heart

so that you can’t go back

to who you were before

ashamed of your naivety 

before you knew me

and oh 

you’ll know me


so you’ll know

that no one could love me

not for everything 

not for me

but please don’t let me prove it to you

because neither of us will recover

my love for you comes with jealously

pain       sorrow       anger      passion

worst of all passion

it is unmoving and absolute

settled in the knowledge that you will go

and leave me alone with my passion, sorrow, and tests

but my god 

without you

I feel nothing

nothing at all


without you I’m doomed to look for purpose

instead of living with one

I filled the cracks with good intentions 

but I’m a shell of what I once was 

and as I searched for a cure

a break from safe melancholy 

I was not comforted by my slip into sanity

and though my own dreams turn inward against me 

I know this life, the life of a thief of a life

a life that was once yours to call your own  

this is how i love you now

now I will love you solely with the memories of who I used to be

in the smiles you captured so well

seasons change, how can I love you now

when I don’t know who you are

and I am not who I once was

our skins and soupicture1 (2)ls

no longer connected

but finally, no longer lost

the miles and meals are far behind us

and can never be again

never changed or touched

for they are ours, the only thing we share now

I am in your memory as one you loved

and you know I will always love that person you were

but we neither are nor should be again

my darling, my soulmate

this is how I love you now

my memories of you will never collect dust

a fresh affair, a fresh heartache

I will love you souly, for who you used to be


I’m not thinking of how you left

how much I miss you

or how much you don’t miss me

I’m not thinking of your smile

for it was rarely given to me

I’m not thinking of the way your hair felt between my fingers

or how I woke you up each morning with a kiss

I’m not thinking about our time together

or the time we’ll never have

my memory goes blank when I think of you

I can not recall your love

there is nothing there for me to miss

I’m not thinking of how you left, anymore